Some songwriters should just stick to writing instrumentals. These lyrical duds are in turn hilarious, embarrassing, and painful in their inanity. Did no one proofread?
Mama Goose and Diamond Chest – The Thong Song (Sisqo)
Ok, obviously this is a stupid song. “I like it when the beat goes du-nuh, du-nuh / Baby, make your booty go du-nuh, du-nuh.” I don’t know what “du-nuh” is exactly, so it just sounds like ol’ Sisqo forgot to finish writing the lyrics. Here this San Francisco twosome performs a ukulele duet that sounds like it was as fun to record as it is to hear. They’ve got covers of other inane pop songs at their myspace. [Buy]
Kicksville – Invisible Sun (The Police)
Sting gets a lot of crap for his lyrics. Some of them I actually think are quite good (see “Don’t Stand So Close To Me”). This is not one of them. First of all, he never tells us why there “has to be” this invisible sun. That conclusion doesn’t seem obvious at all to me. And “it’s dark all day and it glows all night”? Dude, are you sure you’re not thinking of the moon? Plus, if it’s invisible, how is it glowing? [Buy]
Orba Squara – Poker Face (Lady GaGa)
I’m not exactly sure what “I’m bluffin’ with my muffin” means, but I think I should be grossed out. Daughtry and Weezer have both covered the tune, but the winner goes to the folk-thump of Orba Squara, complete with bells. Never heard them? I’ll bet you have… [Buy]
Mundy – Wherever Whenever (Shakira)
When a Shakira cover begins with harmonica, you know you’re into something good. This one includes my favorite line of the bunch in terms of sheer inanity. “Lucky that my breasts are small and humble / So you don’t confuse them with mountains.” A common problem for well-endowed women apparently. [Buy]
Gruppo Sportivo – Horse With No Name (America)
Another one truly shocking in its inanity. Amazingly, it combines the nonsensical (“The ocean is a desert with its life underground”) with the painfully obvious (“The heat was hot”). Gruppo gives it the Latin funk treatment. [Buy]
GOD – Undone (The Sweater Song) (Weezer)
True story: I can’t hear this song without thinking “Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothing to fuck with!” The reason for that bizarre association is a remix I heard of the two tunes long before I heard either original. Regardless, this song is self-consciously silly, a quality Weezer doesn’t get enough credit for (I wanted to include a cover of “Everybody Get Dangerous,” a truly horrendous piece of work, but artists have understandably steered clear of that disaster. Edit: Holy crap, an a cappella group did cover it! No way.). [Buy]
Max Raabe & Palast Orchester – Blue (Da Ba Dee) (Eiffel 65)
On Superhits, Raabe takes on a whole slew of bad pop songs, from “Oops…I Did It Again” to “Mambo No. 5.” Each gets his trademark big band treatment, and each works surprisingly well in its new guise. The German accent really sells it. [Buy]
Taylor Bacon – Yea! Heavy and a Bottle of Bread (Bob Dylan)
Ironic choice given the post title, ain’t it? To Bob’s credit, this comes out of the basement tapes jam sessions. Meaning, he wasn’t trying to make sense (for more evidence, see “Million Dollar Bash.”) The funny thing is, Bob’s actually really good at writing nonsensical lines. Like, better than someone less talented would be. “Slap the drummer with a pie that smells”? Brilliant. [Buy]
Jump the Flight – E.I. (Nelly)
Nelly’s never been known for their insightful lyrics, but the bit where he compares himself to a grocery store is priceless. These guys’ don’t take themselves too seriously behind the punk rock bravado. The best part is the guy whose only job it is is apparently to yell “niggah!” [Buy]
Goober & the Peas – MacArthur Park (Richard Harris)
Years ago I read (and loved) Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs, and this tune took the top spot. It’s one of the few songs whose bad lyrics hit you every single time you hear it. They’re that bad. I mean, these are really bad. So bad I don’t even want to type them. If you don’t know them, listen close. [Buy]